Death, Grief, and Guilt Theme Analysis

It’s not like I don’t want to go. It’s just, quite literally, a matter of life or death. I can’t go off to Cabo, or anywhere for that matter, and risk not coming back. I can’t do that to my parents. Not now.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, hearing the familiar wheeze of my lungs trying desperately to fill with air through the sea of mucus. Exhaling slowly, I slap a big Hallmark-greeting-card smile on my face before opening my eyes and pressing the enter key to go live.

Lying back, I pick up the worn panda resting on my pillows and wrap my arms tightly around him. Patches, my sister, Abby, named him. And what a fitting name that became. The years of coming in and out of the hospital with me have certainly taken their toll on him.

We’ve fought CF together for a freaking decade. Well, together from a safe distance, anyway. We can’t get too close to each other. For cystic fibrosis patients, cross-infection from certain bacteria strains is a huge risk. One touch between two CFers can literally kill the both of them.

There are a lot of things that piss me off about CF, but that’s not one of them. Pretty much all guys with CF are infertile, which at least means I don’t have to worry about getting anyone pregnant and starting my own shit show of a family.

“He’s choking! Poe’s choking!” I shout, tears filling my eyes as I fly down the hallway behind Julie, pulling on a face mask as I go. She bursts through the door ahead of me and goes to check the beeping monitor. I’m scared to look. I’m scared to see Poe suffering. I’m scared to see Poe…Fine.

He stops, leg floating off the edge. One more step and he would have fallen. One more step and he would have…

“You ever think about, I don’t know…traveling the world or something?” I look back down to see number 27, “Sistine Chapel with Abby.” No line through it.

Even before they knew me, they did their very best to help me feel like Saint Grace’s Hospital was my second home from the moment I got there. But, of everyone, it was Abby who really did that. She gave me three invaluable gifts that day.

I see Abby, right there in front of me, blurry at first and then as clear as day. My dad’s curly hair, and her larger-than-life smile, and her hazel eyes identical to my own.

“…more…time…”

She’s pushing me away from the light.

Stella’s been taking care of all of us. Her mom, her dad, me. I keep counting down to eighteen, to being an adult, holding the reins. Maybe it’s time I actually acted like it.

Cystic fibrosis will steal no more from me. From now on, I am the thief.

I think about that very last breath. Sucking for air. Pulling and pulling and getting nothing. I think about my chest muscles ripping and burning, absolutely useless. No air. No nothing. Just black.

“I never even hugged him. Never. Don’t touch! Don’t stand too close. Don’t, don’t, don’t!” I scream out, hysterical, coughing, dizzy. “He was my best friend and I never hugged him.” And I never will. The feeling is so horribly familiar, I can’t stand it.

I take a deep breath, letting out a relieved sigh that I’ve been holding for more than a year now. My chest heaves suddenly, and I begin to cough, water pouring out of my mouth.