Aman Character Analysis

And I get all this attention from guys
but it’s like a sancocho of emotions.

This stew of mixed-up ingredients:
partly flattered they think I’m attractive,
partly scared they’re only interested in my ass and boobs,
and a good measure of Mami-will-kill-me fear sprinkled on top.

I just needed people saying words
about all the things that hurt them.

And maybe this is why Papi stopped listening to music,
because it can make your body want to rebel. To speak up.

And even that young I learned music can become a bridge
between you and a total stranger.

And I knew then what I’d known since my period came:
my body was trouble. I had to pray the trouble out
of the body God gave me. My body was a problem.
And I didn’t want any of these boys to be the ones to solve it.
I wanted to forget I had this body at all.

He grins at me and shrugs. “I came here and practiced a lot.
My pops never wanted to put me in classes. Said it was too soft.”

And now his smile is a little sad.
And I think about all the things we could be
if we were never told our bodies were not built for them.

I don’t yell how the whole block whispers
when I walk down the street
about all the women
who made a cuero out of him.

But men are never called cueros.

I’ll be anything that makes sense
of this panic. I’ll loosen myself from this painful flesh.

See, a cuero is any skin. A cuero
is just a covering. A cuero is a loose thing.
Tied down by no one. Fluttering
and waving in the wind. Flying. Flying. Gone.

“I’m sorry I got in trouble.
I’m sorry I have to be here.
That I have to pretend to you and her
that I care about confirmation at all.
But I’m not sorry I kissed a boy.
I’m only sorry I was caught,
Or that I had to hide it at all.”

But even business deals are promises.
And we still married in a church.
And so I never walked away from him

although I tried my best to get back
to my first love.
And confirmation is the last step I can give you.

I can’t remember
the last time people were silent
while I spoke, actually listening.

Not since Aman.
But it’s nice to know I don’t need him
in order to feel listened to.

My little words
feel important, for just a moment.
This is a feeling I could get addicted to.

I actually raise my hand
in English class
and answer Ms. Galiano’s question.
Because at least here with her,
I know my words are okay.

She puts a soft hand on my arm
and I look into the face of a woman
not much older than me,
a woman with a Spanish last name,
who loves books and poetry,
who I notice for the first time is pretty,
who has a soft voice and called my house
because she was worried
and the words are out before I know it:

And I get all this attention from guys
but it’s like a sancocho of emotions.

This stew of mixed-up ingredients:
partly flattered they think I’m attractive,
partly scared they’re only interested in my ass and boobs,
and a good measure of Mami-will-kill-me fear sprinkled on top.

I just needed people saying words
about all the things that hurt them.

And maybe this is why Papi stopped listening to music,
because it can make your body want to rebel. To speak up.

And even that young I learned music can become a bridge
between you and a total stranger.

And I knew then what I’d known since my period came:
my body was trouble. I had to pray the trouble out
of the body God gave me. My body was a problem.
And I didn’t want any of these boys to be the ones to solve it.
I wanted to forget I had this body at all.

He grins at me and shrugs. “I came here and practiced a lot.
My pops never wanted to put me in classes. Said it was too soft.”

And now his smile is a little sad.
And I think about all the things we could be
if we were never told our bodies were not built for them.

I don’t yell how the whole block whispers
when I walk down the street
about all the women
who made a cuero out of him.

But men are never called cueros.

I’ll be anything that makes sense
of this panic. I’ll loosen myself from this painful flesh.

See, a cuero is any skin. A cuero
is just a covering. A cuero is a loose thing.
Tied down by no one. Fluttering
and waving in the wind. Flying. Flying. Gone.

“I’m sorry I got in trouble.
I’m sorry I have to be here.
That I have to pretend to you and her
that I care about confirmation at all.
But I’m not sorry I kissed a boy.
I’m only sorry I was caught,
Or that I had to hide it at all.”

But even business deals are promises.
And we still married in a church.
And so I never walked away from him

although I tried my best to get back
to my first love.
And confirmation is the last step I can give you.

I can’t remember
the last time people were silent
while I spoke, actually listening.

Not since Aman.
But it’s nice to know I don’t need him
in order to feel listened to.

My little words
feel important, for just a moment.
This is a feeling I could get addicted to.

I actually raise my hand
in English class
and answer Ms. Galiano’s question.
Because at least here with her,
I know my words are okay.

She puts a soft hand on my arm
and I look into the face of a woman
not much older than me,
a woman with a Spanish last name,
who loves books and poetry,
who I notice for the first time is pretty,
who has a soft voice and called my house
because she was worried
and the words are out before I know it: